To Spank or Not to Spank?

It’s common on Facebook to be asked to repost something as your status if you agree. Here’s one I recently read, “My Mama whipped my butt like there was no tomorrow… More kids need it!! I survived!!!”

Most people in America were spanked. It was the norm when I was growing up. Some people reading this will remember the one time that they were lectured, given a spanking and put to bed with no supper. Others will remember being randomly smacked whenever they ticked off their parent. Still others will remember being whipped with a belt, electrical cord, shoe, spoon, spatula, hanger, or other object until they couldn’t sit down for a week – literally. Some will have had parents who abused substances, particularly alcohol, which as a disinhibiter, led to a child who lived in terror.

The California spanking law essentially states that a parent may spank a child on the buttocks with an open palm hand. If you leave a mark that lasts more than 24 hours or you use any other object besides your open palm hand you have broken the law. Now most people reading this are thinking that their parents would have been put in jail, and feeling that is ridiculous – and you are right. We did not have research on the outcomes of spanking back then. Children’s Protective Services was not even born until 1974.

Now we do have research on the outcomes of spanking and it is clear. Children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive with their peers and to bully others. These kids also do not internalize rules as well, and are more likely to engage in criminal and anti-social behavior as adolescents. A study out of Stanford has linked childhood trauma, including physical abuse, with obesity, behavior and learning problems. The American Academy of Pediatrics states that spanking “is the least effective way to discipline.”

A very large study by researcher Murray Straus found that even a small amount of spanking lowers a child’s IQ. He also found that teens and adults who were spanked are more likely to verbally or physically coerce their partners into sex, to have risky sex such as sex without a condom, and to engage in masochistic sex – for example, using spanking as a form of arousal during sex.

Frequent spanking can lead to symptoms of posttraumatic stress in children. A recent study by the Center for Interdisciplinary Brain Sciences Research at Stanford University School of Medicine made national headlines by when it showed that children’s brains were permanently altered as a result of posttraumatic stress. The hippocampus had poor functioning; this is the area of the brain which stores and retrieves memories.

Not surprisingly, a recent study by the American Academy of Pediatrics found there was an association between spanking and domestic violence. Until the 1870s it was considered a husband’s right to use corporal punishment against his wife. People, presumably men, were outraged when the courts decreed this to be illegal believing it interfered in the nuclear family and the husband’s right to “chastise an errant wife”. But eventually this became accepted into our society. Straus believes this will be the case if spanking is declared illegal in the US. He points out that 29 countries have already done this with good results, Sweden leading the way in 1979.

There’s another reason not to spank. When an adult hits another adult, it’s a crime. We call it assault. When an adult hits a child, it’s something much worse. The betrayal of having someone we love hit us is shattering to our world views. The world which was safe with our loving parents no longer seems so. And there is no benevolent ruler to whom the child can beseech to make it right. The first time parent-child violence happens a wound is created and though it may heal, a scar is left.  

So what can frustrated parents do instead of spank?  

• Take a breather. Separate yourself from your child until you are calm. 
• Put your child in a safe space such as their room, and tell them you will talk with them 15 minutes later. In the interim, take some long slow deep breaths, and perhaps call someone to vent. 
• Use a time out chair. The rule is one minute in the chair for each year old the child is.
• Discipline means to teach. So once you are calm think about how to teach your child what they did wrong, and tell them your firm expectations that they will not do it again. You do not have to tell them what the future consequences will be if they do it again; that just sets up an expectation they will not do what you have asked. And then like a self fulfilling prophecy, that’s exactly what you will get. Say simply, do not do it again. Period.  

Consider getting involved with a parents’ group, especially if you have younger children. Sometimes parents can take turns having the kids play together so each gets a break. Though it’s hard when you are a busy parent, it is important to take time for good self care – even a few minutes a day. Drink your coffee slowly, take a walk outside, enjoy a bubble bath now and then. If possible, put your child into a preschool or program for younger children a few days a week to give yourself a break.

We’re lucky to have the Coastside Mothers’ Club in our area, a non-profit group started in 1992 to provide services to young children of the coast. They provide a variety of meetings, activities, baby-sitting swaps and age based play groups throughout the coast from Pescadero to Montara. They have speakers, provide resources and even make meals for new moms.

If you’re lucky enough to have twins or triplets, there’s the Coastside Mothers of Twins Club. They provide playgroups and also encourage expectant parents of twins to get involved during their pregnancy so they can learn valuable strategies and tips from other members about coping with two babies at once. Parents of twins, triplets or more are at special risk of being frustrated into abuse. Multiple birth children are much more likely to be punished violently than their single birth peers according to statistics which Kate Gosselin demonstrated for the world.

Spanking a person teaches them that violence is how adults handle their problems. The author of that Facebook post extolling spanking went on to comment that the memory of the spanking still hurts.

Mahatma Ghandi says, “For a peaceful world, we must start with our children.” It’s a small thing - to imagine changing the world by beginning with how we treat our children, but I believe it can work a miracle.